last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My penis needs a shock collar
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
