dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
