Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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