Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
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