My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
