Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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