i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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