i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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