I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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