Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
