you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
