I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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