My sheets look like a crime scene.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
