If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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