I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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