I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
