Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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