He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
