i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
