I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
