I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
