alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
