Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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