Please don't use social media to get back at me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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