You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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