So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
