im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize