Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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