she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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