his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
