I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize