She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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