Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
