If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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