you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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