Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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