Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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