I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
