...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
