Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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