I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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