i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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