If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
