WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
