NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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