my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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