come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
