she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
