mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
