I CAN MOONWALK!
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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