she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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