she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
