11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
