He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
