i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
