I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
