laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
