our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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